My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Have a lovely day 😊
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
man: wait
time: no
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
