My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
God has left this place
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!