My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken