My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
181.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter