My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
sry
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking