Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor