Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?