Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pain

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

The Assassin.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

“and how does that make you feel?”

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.