Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly