My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
You Might Also Like
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.