My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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old twitter is back baby
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco