My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.