my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
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I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up