Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.