My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery