My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.