Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school