My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.