My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
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Donating blood today to make room for more food
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The future is now.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.