Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”