My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
When I said I liked it rough.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.