*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
He instantly became one of the bros
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”