My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
smh
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Candles never taste the way they smell
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”