My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
You Might Also Like
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone