Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

I enjoy a good short stor

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

I’ve been learning to cook.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.