Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what