Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF