Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

this came to me in a vision

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

I don’t think my car can fly

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

found this cool rock hiking today

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”