My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
You Might Also Like
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Buying a well is money well spent.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Only short people can save us
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
All is fair in drunk and war.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism