My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.