My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.