My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
You Might Also Like
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?