My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
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singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I ate everything, including the H.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?