Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.