My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
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ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Just say no
