Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

idk flipping houses looks really hard

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree