My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
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Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long