Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

i meant to share this earlier

Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me