Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”