Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.