Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
good work, detective
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Finally, an explanation.