@liz_buckley

My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

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@Iwriteforcats

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

@LizerReal

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

@BoozyMusic

My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.

@_NTFG_

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

@CAshmanActor

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

@bencoffeehall

Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where’s Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!

@amydillon

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.