Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.
Baffled by bra hooks.
My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where’s Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.