My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
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When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
remember
only for emergencies
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.