My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.