Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

What the hell happened here.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun