Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”