Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Lmfao

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

LMAO.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.