Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

If my kids invented a drink.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here