My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning