My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Goodnight 🐶
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
THE DOG😭😭💀
WHY?!
