Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Body by cheese-puffs.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!