my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.