My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.