My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Twitter fine art
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
When you don’t understand how floors work
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.