My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
i think both sides are to blame here
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce