My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
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my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“That’s what” – She
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*