Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end