My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
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Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.