My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Oops 🤭
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?