Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

Expect the unexporcupine.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

😂😂

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.