From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My oldest is 14 today. Daddy’s baby is growing up. Soon she’ll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
*turns to camera*
*cop starts breakdancing*
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?
[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]
Me: We have a rat problem.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
He died doing what he loved: being alive