My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!