My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
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The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Heroic Misunderstanding
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
#FunnyLife Insects
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again