My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
You learn something every day
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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i like to flex on them by shrugging
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.