Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.