My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
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You learn something every day
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.