Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.