My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Why? Just why? 😂
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
the three genders
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.