My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost